Dear cat that is currently bothering me,
I understand that your owner is an elderly cat lady (who Vivian thinks is a satanist but in actuality is a morman, which is a lot worse) who neglects you while you meow long into the night. You are scrawny and cute, as any good alley cat should be. But you’re alone on this one, the only thing you’re getting from me is a bowl of windshield wiper fluid. Stay adorable and don’t try getting into my apartment, sincerely,
A dude who doesn’t care for your type or plight.